IMPORTANT WARNING! This edition of These 4 Walls depicts thoughts and images that might be disturbing to people suffering or recovering from eating disorders. If you’re struggling with this, I recommend you skip this week.
I hurt myself running. I can’t run anymore without risking a potential injury. Not having this “task” every day makes it even harder to leave the house. The weather in London is glorious, I feel guilty. I should be out. Why am I locked inside?
I keep asking myself these questions over and over. From my window I can see how people ride around the city in hired bikes. Teenage groups are now dominating the road at key times and it’s both terrifying and a delight to see them spend their time in groups.
The parkour kids come back. I can hear them jump and cheer each other on.
Worrying about my own lack of social interactions translates into food. I worry I over-do it. I obsess on whether other people think like me or if I’m just… broken.
I realise that now that I’m going into my third month of forced solitude, I can’t really stand myself.
So I fall back into old habits. I look at myself in the mirror obsessively. I take note of each change – am I up? Am I down? Is this week going to be another failure?
Isolation becomes even further justified by my self-imposed unworthiness.
It’s time to go outside! For real!
Technically we were always allowed to walk around and exercise but now we can SIT. And STOP. OUTSIDE! Meeting friends is back on the routine and the sense of freedom and joy that comes with it is incomparable to anything I’d felt before.
Is this the beginning of the end?