Lilia – Fertility Experiences Epilogue: Kink and BDSM

During our last conversation, Lilia talks about BDSM and how the media (take a guess of which movie I’m talking about) is failing to create accurate representations of this lifestyle and those who practice it.

“BDSM is one of the many many things I’ve done. I could feel there could be something more interesting about human sexuality.”

BDSM has gained a prominent position in discussions about sexuality since the popular trilogy and the blockbuster movie 50 Shades of Grey shook up shelves, e-readers and movie cinemas almost everywhere. However, can we trust this erotic fantasy? For those who have not been initiated to BDSM practice, Mr. Grey might seem like a dream man ready to soothe a horny unexperienced woman. As Lilia is about to show us, this is far from being a realistic representation of BDSM relationships.

“I discovered that I was right! That there was so, so much more to sex than we conventionally see on television. That is 0.1% of what human sexuality is capable of.”

Lilia stresses that exploring kink goes beyond pleasure. BDSM, control, boundaries and kink can have various uses like healing past trauma, as a form of counselling and even self-exploration. In the beginning Lilia attended classes in mixed groups to educate herself, and now she teaches her own course exclusively for women. During her exploring and experimenting, we talked again about the issue of consent. BDSM, says Lilia, is a wonderful way to explore and express your YES and your NO for both men and, especially, women.

“Most women don’t know how to say no, but the greater challenge is to embrace the yes.”

In BDSM practice, boundaries are the absolute rule. Giving up control is a voluntary act that can be revoked at any time. “In fact”, Lilia says, “in many scenarios you would even ask for permission to watch.”

“A well held BDSM party is a much safer sexual space than walking down a street in London.”
“A well held BDSM party is a much safer sexual space than walking down a street in London at night.”

“A good feminist should probably explore kink to know what she is talking about.”

Can, though, a feminist be into kink? Wouldn’t it be internalised misogyny?

It can be, but often it is not. Lilia tells us that submission can come from a deeply empowered place. The dom is the one who serves the sub; good BDSM is not about a powerful man using a submissive girl solely for his pleasure. You might not even need props because boundaries can be mental.

“I feel saddened by 50 Shades of Grey… What they present in the movie is very bad practice.”

And with this, the Fertility Experiences series concludes. Next time we meet Steven, who will talk about travelling, languages and emotion.

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